Once again… no editing, just a giant mind dump of the last couple weeks with paragraph changes whenever I feel like it. 🙂
It’s been a rough couple weeks for Scott and I. Since the miscarriage, I’ve found it pretty difficult to be alone. I just keep thinking that now I’m truly alone, before I was still technically pregnant so I still had our baby with me, but since the surgery I’ve been truly alone. Its been a struggle. I’m so grateful to have so many friends I can call to be with me when I need them. Scott’s had to work a couple Saturdays and having a friend to come over, or a friend to go to, during those times has been a lifesaver. I don’t know how anyone goes through this without telling anyone. I can’t imagine it.
At work I try to distract myself as best I can, but even there I find triggers that leave me crying. One morning I was working and then noticed the salt rocks I put below my monitor. I had grabbed those in the salt mine I had visited a week before our ultrasound. I remembered picking up those rocks and thinking “I’ll get to show my baby this! This was our first trip together and I get to have a cool memento of it!”. So when I noticed them again it made my stomach drop. I couldn’t handle it and started sobbing at my desk. Eventually I pull it together, or a coworker distracts me, but it still sucks.
Right now I just want to do the minimum grieving required and get over the pain. Before we had the surgery I kept pushing away the grieving… thinking I didn’t want to have to grieve twice, but now that i’m here, at the point where I said I would let myself feel the pain, I find myself wanting to push it off again. It’s too hard, and too sad to let myself feel all the hurt. I miss my two babies.I’m so INCREDIBLY grateful I got to have them for a moment, but so sad that they aren’t with Scott and I right now.
It was a prayer of mine for a while to get pregnant no matter what the ending would be (I was envious of anyone who got to be pregnant, even if they miscarried, because they at least got to have a baby when they got to heaven). And now that i’m the other side of that prayer it’s making me more appreciative of this side of it. At least I got to be pregnant for a minute. At least I have two angel babies in heaven that I get to meet someday. Its so incredibly difficult to be on this side of that prayer, but I think saying it has also given me perspective. ‘
I’m terrified all the time that that was my only chance to be pregnant. I know I shouldn’t go there in my head, but I’m so scared that those few weeks that I was exhausted and nauseous were the only weeks I got to have. What if that was it… what if we never get to have another pregnancy. What if the only biological babies I get to have I will only meet in heaven. It’s a terrifying thought, and one that overwhelms me at times.
I had a tough experience at our company holiday party last week. We were sitting around having a few drinks after the official party ended and somehow the subject of pregnancy came up… WITH A GROUP OF GUYS! I thought I was safe when there weren’t any mothers there… but no. One guy brought up the fact that he had had a vasectomy and someone at the table asked what he would do if it somehow reversed itself and she got pregnant… and he immediately said “it would be fucking devastating”. I don’t remember much that was said immediately following. I excused myself to the bathroom and started full out sobbing. I know this guy had NO ill intentions. He is a great christian guy who fosters kids, which almost made it harder. If I could have just hated him in my head it may have been easier. I felt sooooo much pain. How could getting pregnant EVER be devastating for someone. I don’t understand it and it’s so … I don’t even have a word for the pain it causes.
Eventually as I was trying to pull myself together enough to walk out of the bathroom the to get my coat, tell everyone I wasn’t feeling well and book it home, a waitress came into the bathroom and said my friend Bill was waiting for me outside when I was ready. Bill is my old boss and is now my boss’s boss. He knew vaguely that we were having trouble having kids, but none of the details. I went outside and he gave me a long hug as I cried more. He apologized and said as soon as Chris had said those words he said “oh shit” in his head and knew it wasn’t going to be OK. He said he tried to diffuse it and get them talking about different things but it didn’t happen fast enough.
We talked for a while and it was great. He shared that after he had heard that we were struggling, he approached his 2am night wake-ups with his kids differently. Before he usually was mad that he was awake, but now he is thankful that he has kids to be up with. It made me so happy to hear that. I wish everyone would understand it like he does now. It is SUCH A GIFT to have children. So often it seems like it’s taken advantage of, or even written of as a burden. I wish I could talk to all of those people and let them know how lucky they are to get to wake up and hold their babies. What I would give to have that moment.
So… that brings us to now. We decided soon after the surgery that we wanted to get away. One night we started researching it and realized that flights to Cancun were cheap! We started researching different resorts and decided that we wanted to go back to a place we knew we loved, so we are going back to our honeymoon resort, Villa Del Palmar in Cancun! They were having a new years sale so we got a great deal and a free room upgrade, so it will be even better then before! The first time we went we didn’t really want to be with anyone else so we didn’t join in any of the resort activities. This time the morning and afternoon yoga sounds amazing, and the morning beach cross-fit had Scott pretty excited (silly boy 😉 ). There’s a mixology class at the beach bar, free kayak and SUP board rentals, and a bunch of other activities that either weren’t available, or we weren’t paying attention to before! We just need to get away from our house and all the sadness it’s holding in with us for a bit and be together without anything to do. We both thought it was a crucial time in our marriage to get away and reconnect just the two of us so we booked the trip and we’re going! We’ll be there the 20-25th.
We are also going to try to grieve and lower our stress levels before trying again. Assuming I don’t get my period right away when we get there, we’ll be trying again on my next cycle. It was kind of perfect that we have to take a cycle off from trying since now we just put the money for that towards the vacation and we’ll come out even. And hopefully, since i’ll be more relaxed when we get back, we’ll have better success with our next try then if we had just stayed at home.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Keep us in your prayers. I have no idea how it’ll be at the resort, with no Netflix to distract me i’m going to have to process all my pain, which will be good in the long run, but could make for a tough time. I’m hoping that we come back rejuvenated, reconnected, and maybe happy? It seems like a stretch right now, but I think some sun, a beach and a week with my husband could be just what I need. We will be missing our pup, but she’s being left in great hands so hopefully we won’t miss her too much.