Another Dream… Another Loss

I don’t know how to write this so excuse the lack of editing or cohesive thoughts.

After our last miscarriage we tried again right away. We had our first beta HCG test on Thursday 11/19 and it positive! We were cautiously optimistic and had our repeat beta on Monday 11/23, the number was 507, up from 69 on Thursday. We were THRILLED. We were told that because the results were so good they didn’t need to see us again until our first ultrasound in 3 weeks on 12/14.

We were over the moon. I started to feel extremely exhausted and in all my waking time I started reading pregnancy books and blogs. I started eating extremely healthy. We started taking weekly pictures of my belly. We looked up what the baby was growing and imagined what our little baby looked like.

Scott and I started dreaming again as we hadn’t been able to since we started trying 3 years ago. We treasured every minute and every ‘side effect’ of my pregnancy. We rejoiced in the exhaustion because that meant baby was growing. I started feeling nauseous looking in the fridge yesterday and got so excited. This was a good sign. A sign that I had a little baby growing inside me.

We were excited for Christmas! Finally, this year I wouldn’t be mad that God made a virgin pregnant, but couldn’t help me out. I would get to tell my extended family the news and get hugs and celebrate the extreme happiness. We wouldn’t have a hard time seeing all the young families. We could make a Christmas/new years card celebrating our joy and send it to family and friends. We just had to make it past our first ultrasound appointment so we could use the pictures for our card.

We had our ultrasound yesterday. We came into the appointment extremely excited and a little nervous. We had to wait in the room for about 10 minutes before the doctor came so we got to talk and get more excited. The doctor and ultrasound tech came in and started the ultrasound. We saw my uterus and a sack. They zoomed in got extremely quiet. They told us “The reason we are really quiet right now is we are not seeing what we should be seeing at this point in the pregnancy. At this point we should see a fetus with a beating heart. As you can see, all we see is an empty sac. This is an anembryonic pregnancy (blighted ovum) which means the embryo did not develop properly at conception. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do. The pregnancy should end naturally in the next couple weeks. You can also go to your normal OB and get a D&C or medication to end the pregnancy. If it doesn’t end naturally by the end of the week go to your OB and discuss your options. ” And that is mostly all I remember. We were shocked and devastated. Our baby is gone. I can’t begin to describe the pain and sadness that overcame us. It feels like a nightmare that I just need to wake up from.

Last night I kept having dreams that I was holding my baby and I would wake up to realize that everything is flipped. My nightmare is my reality and my old reality is now just my dream.

I keep distracting myself, just to ‘wake up’ from my distraction and remember that even though I still feel pregnant, i’m not. My baby is gone. I don’t understand how anyone recovers from this. My heart aches and every bone in my body is sad. I just want to sleep because in my dreams I have a baby that is alive and well.

We now wait and hope that the pregnancy ends on it’s own. I don’t want to make that appointment and have to have another ultrasound to confirm what we already know. Our baby is gone. ultrasound

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