11th Try… 11th Failure. Can’t begin to describe how much this hurts.
Sorry for the break in posts! The past two tries have been pretty exhausting and disheartening so I let my blogging slip while I was pretty broken down.
Let me catch you up:
A few months ago Scott and I met with our doctor about where we were at. Initially I was terrified that he was going to say that the IUIs weren’t working so it was time to move on to more advanced steps. He began the meeting thinking we had just finished our 11th try… When I clarified that we had just had our 8th failed attempt he seemed surprised and said we probably didn’t have to meet this soon. We talked through the options anyways and he made me feel a lot better about where we were at. He said that technically ‘I’ am not infertile yet. Even though Scott is, and together ‘we’ are, ‘I’ am not yet. Normally you have to be actively trying for 12 months before they consider you infertile. He said because of our unique situation, I haven’t had 12 tries of getting pregnant yet. The reason they make you try for 12 months is because the majority of women who try for 12 months end up getting pregnant. Him telling us that was a HUGE relief. He suggested we try for the full 12 months before going to more advanced options and we agreed.
We asked about the next step to take if we wanted to get more aggressive. He told us that the next step would be moving onto injectable drugs which would make me release more eggs (up to 8 compared to the 2 I’m getting with the drugs i’m on now). He told us that with the increased number of eggs there was a much more likely chance in multiples. If we had many eggs release and many of them fertilized we would have to talk about “selective reduction” to reduce the risks for both the babies and for me. This is something that I would never be able to do. There is NO way I would ever be okay with “reducing” the number of babies I was carrying even if it was to give the rest a better shot of a normal life. Scott and I talked through this option and decided we were not ready to go there. It would be much too risky for where we’re at. At the end of the appointment we all agreed to double my dose of clomid to try to get 3 eggs instead of the 2 I had been getting.
We had our next try the following month (end of June). The double dose of Clomid did a number on me. In addition to the awesome hot flashes I’d been getting, I also got mood swings! Oh boy! It was not a pleasant week in the Thiry house (sorry Scott!!). Everything annoyed and frustrated me to no end for a solid week. Once we realized that it was probably the effects of the drugs we were able to get through it a little better but it didn’t change my moods. We found out on July 6th that the try was unsuccessful. All the hope I had after meeting with the doctor was gone. We were mad and sad that once again we had failed. I went through the usual pain and grief and after a few days we decided to try again right away the next month.
The next month was more of the same. Pretty bad mood swings, and awful hot flashes from the drugs while trying to temper my hopes in case this try failed as well. We found out August 3rd that the attempt had failed. We were once again devastated. I honestly don’t know how my heart keeps going based on how much it hurts each time. It seems like each time hurts more then the last and each time seems to be more then I can handle.
Scott and I talked for a long time about whether to try again right away. We kept going back and forth until I read a chapter in the book I was reading “Love Does”. It’s a fantastic book by Bob Goff about his life (a good review/summary is here). In one of the chapters it talks about how Bob didn’t have good enough grades/test scores to get into law school. He sat on a bench outside the Deans office for two weeks until the Dean told him to go buys his books and enroll in classes. He related this story to doors that we see as closed in our lives. He talked about how sometimes, we see doors closed even though we know that God placed that desire deep in our hearts because He wants it for us and it honors Him. Many times we look at obstacles and see doors closed when really God wants us to kick the door down, or wait long enough for someone to tell us it’s time to come in.
Reading this really resonated with me. Just because it looks like this door is closed doesn’t mean we should give up and stop trying. As long as I feel this strong desire in my heart we are going to keep fighting because we think it’s a worthy fight. Maybe we just haven’t waited at the door long enough yet. I have long prayed that if this isn’t supposed to happen that God decrease my desire for it and so far, it’s only increased.
We don’t know what will happen in the future and even with these small encouragements it’s still an incredibly tough road. I was showering the other night and started sobbing because I looked down and saw a flat stomach. I have heard people talk about not liking their bodies after having babies… I hate mine for not having any signs of baby at all. For so long I wanted any kids I had to have straight hair so they wouldn’t have to know the struggle that is curly hair. Now I bawl when I see my curly hair in the drain because all I can think of is having a baby that has the same hair as I do.
I just wish I could know if it was ever going to happen so I can move on if I’m supposed to.
I just took my last dose of Clomid tonight and go the doctor on Friday to get an ultrasound to find out where we’re at. The mood swings are in full effect as evidenced by the fear in Scott’s eyes (mostly kidding) and the amount of tears I’ve shed telling our puppy how much I love her and in the bathroom at work after getting frustrated with support tickets. It’s bad. And there’s nothing I can do to control it. Hopefully it will be over soon and the fun two week wait can begin.