8th Try… 8th failure

After lots of discussion Scott and I decided to try again right away. Initially, when the emotions were all raw, it seemed crazy to even think of trying again so quickly. I thought I needed more time to process the “loss” and move to a place where I was emotionally ready again… but this time we decided to give it a shot. It was actually pretty nice at the beginning. Because I was still mad from the last cycle I had much more of a laissez-faire attitude. For the first two weeks I was much less concerned about everything. The past two weeks have been the same as always… over thinking every possible pregnancy symptom… getting hopeful… then finding out once again that we aren’t pregnant. I had the day off of work this time so Scott and I were able to listen to the voice mail at the same time. This was the worst voice mail yet. For some reason, the nurse that was calling was super happy and sounded like she had just finished laughing. Immediately that got our hopes up. Then she said the pregnancy test was negative. It seemed so conflicting.

I am so sick of this. I don’t understand why other people can get pregnant so easily and we can’t… I don’t understand why this is so incredibly difficult… I don’t get why once again it’s mothers day and i’m still not a mother. I’m constantly scared that I’ll never get to pregnant. None of this makes sense to me. All I want is to be pregnant… the one thing that it seems like we’ll never get. 😦

Our Dr. wants to meet with us before we move forward so we are going to wait at least a month before trying again. I’m a little nervous about the meeting. Initially he said our options were continuing IUI’s (inseminations) or moving onto IVF. I’m worried he’s going to tell us that we’re at the end of the line for IUIs and our next step is IVF. IVF is incredibly expensive and we would have to save up for a long time (probably a couple years) before we could consider going down that road.

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