Heartbroken

I went into the doctor yesterday and had my blood drawn for a pregnancy test. I got the phone call in the afternoon and let it go to voicemail (I’m in a pretty open office and didn’t want to talk out loud). I waited FOREVER for it to notify me of a voicemail and put my headphones in and listened…

“So sorry to leave this on your voicemail but the pregnancy test today was negative.”

Heart. Broken.

It took me a minute to process and I knew I had to meet with my boss a few minutes later so I tried to suck it up as best I could. After the meeting I had a mini breakdown. Our 7th failure. 7. Really?! REALLY?! So frustrating. So incredibly sad. I went to the window for a bit a while later to try to clear my head and saw all the ducks out in the pond and they pissed me off. They were all going to start having babies. Why do they get to have babies but I don’t? How can they figure it out and I’ve been poked and prodded by smart doctors and still can’t make it work. My logical mind knows that that makes no sense… but my heartbroken mind is mad. Mad at all pregnant women (again… not logically), mad at new life, mad at the family I saw with a little kid learning how to ride a bike, mad at myself for being incapable of creating\carrying a life, mad at God for giving other people kids but not us, mad at my dreams for convincing me I’m pregnant (multiple times a night), just to have me wake up blissfully happy for a split second, then breaking down into tears once again when I realize that that’s the only place I’ve ever been pregnant. I hate that I know these dreams are going to keep coming. I hate that we apparently weren’t dealt a hard enough hand when found out that Scott can’t biologically father a child, we ALSO cannot get pregnant easily. How is that fair?! How does that make any sense? Hopefully somewhere down the road this will all be worth it. All the struggle will lead to wherever we are supposed to be, but for now we are mad. and sad. and confused. This has been by far the hardest failure yet.

Sorry for the rant. This sucks. Be praying for us to stay strong and hopeful, and for me to dream about puppies or something just as joyful, but less hurtful to wake up to.