Got my period a few days early. I guess I got what I wanted… a shorter waiting time. Man this sucks. Thankfully my cramps aren’t too bad this time so it’s just the emotional pain instead of the physical as well which makes it a lot easier to handle.
As much as I thought I was holding back for this one I’m finding there were still threads of hope that are revealing themselves now. I knew that we would find out if we were pregnant close to Halloween so way back in my brain I thought I could maybe still do the pumpkin reveal (add a small pumpkin to our 2 large ones) and surprise Scott with the pregnancy news. This is our 3rd Halloween that I have thought that exact same thing and here we are on Halloween with the same result… 2 adult pumpkins with no baby pumpkin. That image really hurts.
Looking forward, our next insemination (using sperm vial 5/12) will be around Nov. 12th and we’ll find out if we were successful on/around Thanksgiving. If that attempt fails we will move onto an infertility specialist for further attempts.
I hate waiting.
It’s not fair that my body already knows if there is a baby inside me or not, but I can’t find out for another 6 days.
I hate all of the wondering and anticipation I feel during this time. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the result but it’s still incredibly hard to handle the anticipation. It’s like the night before Christmas when you’re a kid. You know that the morning will come in 8 hours. You logically know that if you just fall asleep it will come much faster, but you can’t make your mind stop. You are filled with so much excited energy the night seems to go by so slowly.
I feel the same way during these two weeks except instead of excited energy my days are filled with nervous anticipation. Waiting. Wondering. Praying. Crying. Hoping that this one is finally it. It’s so incredibly hard to wade through these weeks waiting and hoping for a miracle.
This try I feel like I have less hope then the previous times… or maybe i’m just trying to convince myself that so it won’t be so painful if we fail again. We have been through the same drill 3 times and every time it has gone the exact same way… I get excited after the insemination, I’m careful about what I eat/drink, I look up when our due date could be, I think of what pregnancy stage I’ll be in for holidays, birthdays, and our anniversary, I Google early pregnancy symptoms and convinced myself that maybe I have some of them. I get PMS and convince myself that it could also be pregnancy hormones. That maybe this time it’s because i’m pregnant.
That’s where i’m at now… the point where i’m getting extra emotional and extra irritated. Each try I’ve gone through the exact same things as I have this time, and each time I haven’t been pregnant. It’s exhausting going through the exact same thing expecting/hoping/praying for different results. I think this is why we took a break between try 2 and 3. These two week sprints take so much out of me. It would be so much better if cycles were 3 weeks and 1 week. I feel like after we find out we’re not pregnant I need more than 2 weeks to mourn before we try again, and after the insemination 2 weeks feels like a lifetime…
Today we went in for and did our 4th insemination. The doctor said the sperm sample was a good one and that he was counting on a successful outcome. This insemination was the most physically painful one yet- so hopefully we have a good outcome. Be praying for us as we get our hopes up more and more every time, which makes it that much harder when they fail.
It has been a rough 2 weeks for us.
Two weekends ago my niece Josie was baptized and Scott and I were honored to become her Godparents! I was nervous for the day because usually the baptisms/dedications at church are too hard for me to be around. There are too many babies and too much jealousy in my heart to handle it without breaking down. I knew I would be fine with Josie since, for some reason, babies of people I know well don’t tug on that jealousy quite as much. It’s still hard, but not unbearable. I was more worried about all the other babies we would see. The service ended up going OK. There weren’t any super little babies which is the toughest part for me. That new baby cry, and the way they still curl up into a ball just splits my heart in two most times. We went to Emily and Jon’s house afterwards and I got to hold Josie a bunch which filled my heart with so much joy. Emily is so great with that. Every time she lets me hold Josie I can tell that she is hoping that it’s not too much for me. I love that about her. I know that at any point I could hand Josie back and say it was too much and she would understand and not take any offense. Josie was getting pretty tired and fussy so Emily asked if I would rock her to sleep in their room. I was sitting there, rocking her, patting her butt and singing to her when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I want that so badly. A warm baby cuddled in my arms rocking back and forth. It was such a bittersweet moment. My heart was so full because I was rocking a baby, one of my all-time favorite things to do, but my heart literally hurt because I knew it was temporary. It wasn’t my baby. I would have a few magical minutes and then it would be over. As hard as it was I wouldn’t trade those minutes for anything. It reassures me that all the pain will be worth it when someday I’m rocking my own baby.
The rest of the week was uneventful. There were times when I really thought I was pregnant (I got heartburn at night which I never usually get), and times when I thought I wasn’t (I was really crabby with Scott and thought it had to be PMS). I got through the roller coaster two weeks and made it to Friday when I got to leave work early so Scott and I could head up north for a long weekend with my family. I was so excited to have that support system around me when I either found out I was pregnant or found out I wasn’t.
It was about an hour before I was going to leave work when I started getting back pain like I normally get right before full on cramps hit me. In my mind I thought that maybe it was because I was pregnant. I wasn’t supposed to get my period until Sunday so the timing was slightly off. I thought “People have all different kinds of symptoms when they get pregnant” and I thought that maybe this back pain was one of them… I really thought this might be the time… Then the cramps hit me full force. The pain started to get really bad and then the painful reality hit me. I wasn’t pregnant. We had failed again. I went back to my desk and could feel the tears coming so I told a coworker that I was going to go home early because I wasn’t feeling well. I sobbed the whole way home, both from the intense pain of my cramps, and the intense pain of knowing that once again we were not pregnant. The physical pain was unbearable when I wasn’t either laying on a hot pack or laying in the tub so we delayed our trip by a few hours. Scott was amazing. He got the hot pack turned on as soon as I told him I was coming home and had my Kindle and a hot bath ready for me. As much as I’m sure he was hurting as well, he was such a rock for me when I needed him to be.
The weekend up north was a great escape. I had a few breakdowns but overall the 4 days of fishing and family were just the distractions I needed. I talked to my doctor about the next steps and she said we just have to keep trying. She offered to refer us to a specialist but recommended that we try a couple more times before we take that route. Each failure is getting harder and harder. We are praying that we’ll get pregnant soon, but ultimately have to trust that His timing is greater than ours. Easy thing to say… harder thing to do.