I’ll be pregnant by then…

I play a game in my head alot… it’s called the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game and it’s not a whole lot of fun. This game started before Scott and I even got married. It started with “if we get pregnant the first couple months we’re married then we could have a baby before I graduate school!” We talked that through and decided that maybe that wasn’t the best idea. Even though we (me) wanted to have kids right away we(Scott) decided that the responible thing to do would be to wait a few months before we stopped preventing pregnancy. I stayed on birth control for the first 3 months of our marriage then we (both of us) decided to let God decide when our children would come. That’s when the game actually began… If I got pregnant in October then… I could tell Scott that I was pregnant by buying an extra small pumpkin to add to our adult ones… And our baby would be born in July- hopefully after I started a full time job so I would have maternity leave benefits and we would be settled in a city and, bonus, I’d be cute and pregnant for my friend Josi’s wedding.

In November the game continued and was a lot of the same… I could tell Scott with a snowman family on our deck… I would have the baby in August and have another month of full time work saved up, and maybe we’d buy a house by then!

The next month was another hard one- In December we could have told our families by getting them baby related gifts that they all opened at the same time on Christmas morning. It would be a magical morning. Then the pregnancy test came back negative.

The months continued in the same way… maybe I’d be pregnant by my College graduation and I could tell our first child that they were there with me. Maybe I’d be pregnant my first month at Cargill. Maybe I’d be pregnant by Josi’s wedding. Maybe we’ll buy our house and that’s when we’ll get pregnant. Maybe we’ll need to hurry up our kitchen remodel because i’ll finally be pregnant. Maybe God was waiting for ____ life event before he blessed us with a child. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The game never ends, and the days that I thought I would be pregnant by painfully pass again and again. I’m constantly reminded that at one point I really thought I would be pregnant by now.

One of my best friends is getting married next month. It’s a day I have been looking forward to and It’s also another end to the “I’ll be pregnant by then” game. We have our third insemination later this month. It’s still possible that I’ll win the game this time… but I’ve lost the game so much I start to think that maybe I’ll never win. Maybe I’ll never get pregnant.

I wish I could stop playing, but I don’t know that I ever will. If we finally do get pregnant, eventually we will be trying again and I’ll be playing the game again. I’m praying we win this round soon. I’ve been playing for 2 years now… it would be great to finally have a win.

Dreams

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant with twins. I had just gone to the doctor alone and found out that it was a boy and a girl. I woke up from the dream and the very first thing I thought was that I couldn’t believe I found out the gender of our babies without Scott there. Then it hit me. Like it does every other time I have that dream. I’m not pregnant. My stomach is flat… not round like in the dream. There are no babies.

I have this dream about once a week and always wake up the same way- so extremely happy that I am pregnant… just to realize again that I’m not. As hard as these dreams are I’m glad I have them. For a moment I get to feel pregnant. I get to feel that joy for a split second. I get to wake up next to my husband knowing (in my dream mind) that I am carrying a life inside me.

But then I’m right back into the real world where we are patiently (not really) waiting for that dream to come true. The real world sucks sometimes.