Once again… no editing, just a giant mind dump of the last couple weeks with paragraph changes whenever I feel like it. 🙂
It’s been a rough couple weeks for Scott and I. Since the miscarriage, I’ve found it pretty difficult to be alone. I just keep thinking that now I’m truly alone, before I was still technically pregnant so I still had our baby with me, but since the surgery I’ve been truly alone. Its been a struggle. I’m so grateful to have so many friends I can call to be with me when I need them. Scott’s had to work a couple Saturdays and having a friend to come over, or a friend to go to, during those times has been a lifesaver. I don’t know how anyone goes through this without telling anyone. I can’t imagine it.
At work I try to distract myself as best I can, but even there I find triggers that leave me crying. One morning I was working and then noticed the salt rocks I put below my monitor. I had grabbed those in the salt mine I had visited a week before our ultrasound. I remembered picking up those rocks and thinking “I’ll get to show my baby this! This was our first trip together and I get to have a cool memento of it!”. So when I noticed them again it made my stomach drop. I couldn’t handle it and started sobbing at my desk. Eventually I pull it together, or a coworker distracts me, but it still sucks.
The past two weeks have been the worst of my life so far. It’s incredible the amount of pain your heart can endure and still survive. I can’t even begin to describe the pain. There are times when I have no idea how I’m supposed to go live my life and how all these women who I now know have had a miscarriage have made it through. I’m getting there one day, sometimes one hour, at a time. They say you never forget it, but it gets easier with time. Part of me can’t wait until it’s easier, until I’m able to come up for air. But another piece of me knows this is where I’m at right now and I have to feel the pain.
I just want a baby. My baby. And now I’ve lost two.
Here’s how the past two weeks have gone:
I don’t know how to write this so excuse the lack of editing or cohesive thoughts.
After our last miscarriage we tried again right away. We had our first beta HCG test on Thursday 11/19 and it positive! We were cautiously optimistic and had our repeat beta on Monday 11/23, the number was 507, up from 69 on Thursday. We were THRILLED. We were told that because the results were so good they didn’t need to see us again until our first ultrasound in 3 weeks on 12/14.
Our doctor left a voicemail with the results back from the blood test yesterday and it confirmed what I had feared. My number was unchanged from last test.
The doctor said the number should have doubled by now and with it being the same it is highly unlikely that the baby will continue to grow (he has never seen it happen). I will likely miscarry in the next two weeks. (This is a very helpful article in getting more information on what is likely happening.)
We are completely devastated… there are no words to describe the pain. In some ways it doesn’t feel real yet. I’m still experiencing all the pregnancy symptoms I was before which makes it even harder to believe. I’m sure a new wave of pain is coming when(if) I get my period.